Vladimir McTavish’s A KICK UP THE TABLOIDS

Seldom in recent memory has there been a bigger disconnect between voters and their elected politicians than the current contest to elect the next Prime Minister of Britain.

Like the most uninspiring final of X-Factor ever, the Tory leadership race has been whittled down to just two contestants. I never thought this country would ever have a worse Prime Minister than Theresa May. In terms of incompetence, and lack of charisma, she is a tough act to follow. However, looking at the remaining candidates, the next episode of ‘Nightmare on Downing Street’ may be even more horrific.
The choice the voters have is clear. It’s either the pathological liar or the complete non-entity. By ‘voters’, I mean members of the Conservative Party. Therefore, the number of people in Scotland having a say in the election of our next Prime Minister would struggle to fill the top deck of a bus. North Korea and China are absolute beacons of democracy by comparison.

Of course, the short-listing process was decided by a total of 313 Tory MPs, who needed two prime-time TV leadership debates, broadcast on BBC and Channel 4, to help them decide where to place their cross. The fact every single person in Britain could watch these debates only served to rub in the fact that the average person in the street had no say whatsoever in the matter. The producers of ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ would never dare insult their viewers quite in that manner.

So are who are this year’s finalists? First up, we have current Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt. Last year, on a trip abroad, Jeremy famously got his wife’s nationality wrong. He claimed in a speech that she is Japanese. She is, in fact, Chinese. Anyone want to guess which country he was in at the time? Japan? No, that would be bad enough. Worse than that, he was actually making the speech in China.

Next up, we have former foreign secretary, Boris Johnson. He is a man who, when he was questioned about recreational drug use, admitted to sniffing something but was not sure what it was. Indeed, he even have said ‘it may have been icing sugar’. How can anyone claim to be competent to lead the country if that are unable to tell the difference between class-A drugs and bakers’ confectionary? On the other hand, he might make a rather entertaining guest on a celebrity version of ‘The Great British Bake-Off’, particularly if he were to make the same mistake the other way around.

Who would have thought that the competition to elect the next leader of the Conservative Party would accidentally have turned into the most effective anti-drugs campaign in history? In particular, the drug-taking past of two of the failed candidates exercised the minds of public and media alike.

First, we had Michael Gove admitting that he had taken cocaine on a number of occasions twenty-odd years. At the very time, he was writing articles denouncing drug use in The Times. Put aside the man’s obvious hypocrisy for a minute, if you will. The revelation he took cocaine conjures up some deeply disturbing images. One of the worst aspects of that particular drug, aside from its potential health risks, is that it turns the sweetest of people into absolute monsters. I have known very self-effacing wallflowers turn into loud-mouthed egocentric bores after a very small amount of the stuff.

I find Michael Gove to be a particularly loathsome, individual at the best of times. He has a face no-one would ever tire of punching. [Editor’s comment after Jo Brand’s joke about throwing battery acid not milkshakes: take that as you wish]. I dread to think what an insufferable piece of shit he became after snorting a couple of lines of Colombian marching powder.

Finally, we had Rory Stewart, who claimed to have smoked opium when he was in Afghanistan. The opium revelation pretty much explains everything else about Rory Stewart, in particular his eccentricity which at times bordered on outright lunacy. To be honest, I’m not sure that the guy is actually real. He does not look entirely like a normal human being. His mouth has far too many teeth for a start and is too big for his face. None of his suits seem to fit properly. He puts me in a mind of a ventriloquist’s dummy.

For decades now, successive governments have been running campaigns trying to get the youth of the country not to take drugs. Every one of these has been a failure. However, if there were any better evidence that drugs aren’t cool, it’s the fact these guys took them. They should maybe all feature in the next public service broadcast. ‘Don’t do cocaine, kids. Do you really want up to end up like Michael Gove?’ However, if Boris wins, I reckon just about everyone, Tories included, will soon be reaching for the strongest drugs available.

Tickets for Vladimir McTavish’s 2019 Edinburgh Fringe show ‘60 Minutes to Save The World’ are on sale now on www.thestand.co.uk