Kick Up The Tabloids


Has the SNP made Scottish politics any more left–wing? What is beyond argument is that there has been a rampant and unpredicted outbreak of Socialism at Westminster in recent months. First, we have Gordon Brown achieving what no previous Labour Prime Minister has managed, bringing the entire capitalist system to its knees. What over a century of workers’ struggles has failed to achieve, what even the Russian Revolution in the long-term failed to achieve, has been brought about in less than two years. By having an idiot in Downing Street.

While Brown has been busy destroying capitalism from the inside, most MPs have been busying themselves with the redistribution of wealth. Taking money off the fat-cat taxpayers and giving well-deserved hand-outs to impoverished members of parliament.

While the public are understandably upset about the amounts MPs are claiming on expenses, the whole story really is a bit of a storm in a teacup. Or, more accurately, a bit of a storm in a set of a dozen Spode teacups and saucers bought for £450 at Harrods and claimed as a legitimate expense on a minister’s second residence.

It would be wrong to claim that everything in the garden is rosy. Unless you happen to be David Milliband and you are claiming £180 of public money to pay for your gardener. We are told Alex Salmond spends £800 on food in two months, Jacqui Smith claims for houses she doesn’t live in and for her husband to watch the porn channel on TV. Which sounds more like wanking the system than working the system. Hazel Blears claims for three different addresses in a year, three Sinn Fein MPs claim for a flat they never stay in, an unnamed Tory MP even claims for horse manure. Tourism minister Barbara Follett (or to give her the full title as always appears in the media “MP- and-wife-ofmillionaire- author-Ken-Follett”) claims £25,000 for ‘security’. I would have thought having Barbara Follett’s photo in the window should have been enough to scare off most intruders. While John Prescott is reputed to have broken two toilet seats in just over a year.

While some MPs doubtless do have their snouts in the trough and are milking the system for all it is worth, it is wrong to assume that all of them are on the make. Some of the claims are without doubt legitimate. You only need to look at both Alex Salmond and John Prescott to realise that one of them can easily eat his way through eight hundred quid in a couple of months, and the other could probably break two bog seats in one sitting. In the meantime, that Tory MP could doubtless claim that he paid for horse manure every time he employed a speech writer.

This furore has led to Gordon Brown having to once more utter his new catchphrase: “Sorry”. In the space of a month the PM has said “sorry” or “I apologise” on a daily basis. He has to apologise for the state of the economy, MPs’ expenses, swine flu and Smeargate. I was even expecting him to apologise to the rest of the World for inflicting Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent.

(Incidentally, it does seem faintly ridiculous that Piers Morgan is now an arbiter of talent!)

As the Minister for Swine Flu, Nicola Sturgeon has had to appearnightly on our TV screens to reassure us that if we do as we are told we should all be safe from the deadly virus that has so far given half-a-dozen people in Scotland a bit of a cold. The Swine Flu scare is just another excuse for the Government to interfere in our lives. So we now have public information films on TV, where we’re instructed by the Government on how to sneeze properly. Be prepared for the next outbreak of diarrhoea and Government instructions on how to wipe our arses properly: “Don’t smear your shit all over the place! Get a Spin Doctor to do it for you!”

Brown finally also had to apologise for the heinous lies, filth and innuendo spread all over the internet by New Labour ‘advisor’ Damian McBride, who was immediately forced to fall on his sword. I personally think McBride was unfairly dealt with. In fact I would go further than that and suggest that he should have been promoted, as he is the only person in the Labour Party showing any sign of initiative.

If the opinion polls are to be believed, the only way Brown stands any chance of winning the next election is to smear the opposition as much as possible. How about this for starters? Swine Flu was started when a group of Tory MPs had sex with a pig on a fact-finding trip to Mexico, for which they claimed parliamentary expenses.

OK, the public might not believe him. But then they don’t believe him every time he says “Sorry”.